by Shahina Siddiqui
One of the greatest challenges a Muslim will ever face is being a parent. This is one challenge, however, many of us are least prepared for.
Allah tells us in the Quran that our children are our trial and as such we should take the task of parenting seriously, and start learning from each other. In my experience in dealing with my own family and counseling other Muslim families, a model has developed based on what I call "The Positive and Negative C's". I pray to Allah that this humble contribution will help parents and children alike in diagnosing and repairing the health of their families.
POSITIVE C'S
Compassion (Rehmat)
Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) stated, "He is not of us who does not have compassion for his fellow beings".
It is interesting to note that when it comes to Hadith like this or Quranic quotes dealing with human behavior, we never stop to think that our children and family members are also our fellow human beings and that these golden rules must also be applied to them.
Compassion is only one component of the concept of mercy (Rehmat) — the others being kindness, respect, and of course love. Remember the displeasure of Prophet Muhammad when a Bedouin told him how he had never kissed any of his ten children.
Consultation (Shura)
The Prophet has related that Allah says "Oh My servant. I look on high handedness as something not permissible for myself, and I have forbidden it for you. So do not oppress each other".
When we consult with each other in the domestic realm, both husband and wife must show respect for each other. This is one of the best ways to bond and to learn to listen to each other and to resolve conflicts. However, the consultation will only be fruitful if it is sincere and not merely a formality. Imposition of one's ideas with scant regard to the welfare of the whole family unit defeats the purpose of the most important Quranic principle of Shura.
Cooperation
This concept of cooperation in Islam is most beautifully illustrated in Sura Al-Asr: "… counsel each other to the truth (Haq), and counsel each other to patience and fortitude (Sabr)".
When a family unit cooperates in this manner, they truly capture the spirit of Islam — the welfare of each member of the family becomes the concern of the other.
Commitment
It is extremely important that our families commit themselves as a unit to Allah and His Prophet(s): "Obey Allah and His Prophet and those in authority over you" (Nisa). This collective commitment gives us an identity and maps out our purpose — namely that we all belong to Allah and are accountable and responsible to Him.
Communication
Communication is more than talking. It is an essential part of family life. It is both talking in a manner in which others can understand you, and hearing in a manner in which you can listen and understand others.
So many times people claim that they have no communication problem since they are always talking. However, the majority of the time they are talking "at" and not talking "to". This mode usually results in the recipient tuning out. Many children at an early age learn to tune out their parents.
When communication is a means to listening, understanding, and exchanging ideas, it is the most powerful tool to effective parenting and the best shield against peer and societal pressures.
It also teaches children skills to problem solving. An important component of positive communication is a sense of humor when parents and children can laugh together. Communication can also be instrumental in passing down family history and thus creating oneness and togetherness by sharing a mutual heritage (children love to hear about family stories).
Consistency
Effective parenting requires that we are consistent in our value judgments, discipline, and moral standards. Many parents inadvertently apply double standards to boys and girls when it comes to social behavior and domestic chores. This is unacceptable, and leads to sibling rivalry and stereotypical males and females.
Confidentiality
Family is with whom we can feel safe and secure. Where we know our secrets are safe and where there is mutual trust. Unfortunately, parents often betray the trust of their children when they discuss their concerns, which they confide in them to outsiders. This leads to mistrust, and sooner or later our children will stop confiding in us. This may take them to find confidants outside the family, sometimes non-Muslim peers, and this can be detrimental to their spiritual and moral growth.
Contentment (Tawakkul)
The greatest gift we can give our children is that of contentment. This can be developed very early in life by encouraging our children to give thanks to Allah for all they have by discouraging materialism by word and example, and by counting the blessings every night and remembering the less fortunate.
Confidence
It is the duty of parents to build confidence in our children through encouragement and honest and sincere praise. By developing confidence, we give our children the courage to stand up for themselves and their beliefs and to be able to deal with opposition.
Control
By teaching restraint and avoiding excess we develop in our children control so that they do not become slaves to their desires (Nafs).
Calm
By encouraging and showing calm in matters of adversity and in times of panic we improve our Taqwa (God consciousness) and teach our children to rely on Allah and to turn to Allah alone for all needs.
Courage
Courage of conviction can only be achieved when we have been able to teach our children true Islam. We should take advantage of every learning opportunity as a family so that our faith (Iman) flourishes and evolves towards Ihsan as a family unit. In this manner we can be a source of strength to each other.
Critical Thinking
The Quran encourages us over and over again to think, reflect, ponder, understand and analyze. However, very rarely do. Parents must encourage children to ask questions. Our response to difficult inquiries from our children is to say "do it because I said so". This discourages the children from developing critical thinking. They become lazy and complacent and easy prey to cult type following. To take things at face value makes us vulnerable.
Charitable
The most important attitude of a Muslim personality is, as Prophet Muhammad stated : "Do you not wish that Allah will forgive you? Then forgive your brothers and sisters". Many relationships break because people are not able to forgive each other. It is important that parents make up in front of their children by forgiving each other after an argument. Prophet Muhammad stated, "Like for your brother what you like for yourself". So if husband and
wife expect respect from each other they should give respect.
A charitable nature also encourages us to overlook people with their shortcomings and to be sensitive and to have empathy.
NEGATIVE C'S
There are many negative C's, which should also be identified so that we can avoid them or at least be aware of them. As you will notice when you go through the whole exercise, the presence of one negative C cancels out a positive C.
Competition
In an authentic Hadith the Prophet Muhammad said: "Look up to one who is greater in piety so you strive to be like him and look upon one who is below you in material status so that you may be thankful to Allah's Grace".
As a Muslim community we are experiencing the opposite. We are literally killing ourselves to gain bigger and better material goods than others and passing this same competitive spirit to our children.
If Br. X's son is going to Yale, my son must go to Harvard otherwise he is a failure, no matter how good a Mumin (believer) he is in comparison to Br. X's son. We are inadvertently putting so much pressure on our children to compete in Dunya (this world) that we are actually hurting their self-esteem and pushing them away. Remember if children don't find acceptance of who they are and what they are capable of at home, they will find it elsewhere.
Comparison
Comparison is an outcome of negative competition it is cruel and breeds resentment and anger. Many parents compare their children to others and get in the habit of complaining. Grass always seems greener in the neighbor's yard, but closer inspection may reveal the opposite. None of us are perfect, and therefore we should stop looking for perfection in others.
Control
The negative aspect of control shows in the form of a controlling personality e.g. I am the boss so you do as I tell you. In extreme cases this need to control leads to abuse and neglect. Anger is also a weapon of a control freak. In most cases it is the father, however mothers also exhibit this trait.
Criticism
Constant, destructive criticism is a sign of dysfunctional parenting. Continuous put downs and verbal clashing destroys the tranquil atmosphere at home. The self-esteem of the recipients of this criticism is extremely low developing in them a victim mentality. They will either seek abusive relationships or turn their backs on their families. Many runaways come from such a family background.
Corruption
"If the truth was to follow their whims, the heaven and earth and all their inhabitants would be corrupt" (Quran part of 23:71).
Weak Nafs and diseases of the heart lead to poor character, which of course is the result of grudging submission and conditional faith. When we corrupt our Deen (religion) by picking and
choosing what we want, practicing what suits us best and resisting and outright opposing what does not suit our fancy, we pay an enormous price by losing ourselves to the Dunya, and driving our children away from Islam.
Confusion
Parents are confused about their identity and their values. They have not been able to develop a structure of right and wrong based on Quran and Hadith and as such when it comes to implementation give conflicting signals to their children.
We must as parents develop an Islamic frame of reference, which would serve to develop a Muslim conscience in our children and a basis for judgment. Sifting through our cultural baggage and increasing our knowledge can only achieve this.
Contempt
Contempt for others is a result of pride, arrogance, and conceit. We must discourage arrogance in children and be constantly vigilant about it as many Muslim youth are falling prey to this trait and developing contempt towards their parents. It is one thing to praise and quite another to set them up on a pedestal. We should always remember "knowledge is proud it knows so much — wisdom is humble it knows no more".
Consumerism
Consumption, a vice of this society, is creeping into Muslim communities. When wants become needs, and parents start compensating for their lack of time spent with their children with material gifts, we are perpetuating consumerism — anything can be bought. This, however, is not true. So many young people I counsel always say "I could do without this new computer if only my parents would spend more time with me".
The legacy of materialism survives generations since it caters to our baser self. Please watch out for it.
Contradiction
When there is contradiction in word and deed it is called hypocrisy. Children are very sensitive to this vice and can pick a hypocrite a mile away.
When we behave holier than thou in the Masjid but present a different side in other settings, we are giving our children the message it is okay to be a hypocrite.
Carelessness
As Prophet Muhammad reminded us in his last sermon "Shaytan cannot mislead us in major issues of Faith but in minor issues". This is where our carelessness and lack of diligence can lead to weak character.
Colonization
This is a mind set that many immigrant parents have passed down to their children — a sense of inferiority, a complex as such, that European and Western cultures are superior and better than that of their country of origin. This is a mentality that encourages imitation, following and serving rather than leadership.
There are many more positive and negative C's that I could discuss but perhaps it would be entertaining if families could sit together and see how many they can come up with, and perform a diagnostic test of their own families based on this humble contribution.
Read More...
Monday, July 18, 2005
Monday, April 18, 2005
Defining our roles
"God dignifies both men and women in their distinctiveness, not their
sameness." - A profound insight!
March 30, 2005
Female-Led Prayers: A Step Forward for Women?
On March 18, 2005 Amina Wadud led the first female-led Jumu`ah Prayer. On
that day, women took a huge step towards being more like men. But, did we
come closer to actualizing our God-given liberation?
This answer was kindly provided by Sister Yasmin Mogahed, a member of Ask
About Islam Editorial Staff. Yasmin is an Egyptian-American journalist
based in Wisconsin, USA. She is currently studying for a Master's degree in
Journalism.
Salam, Sarah.
Thank you for your inspiring question!
Well, answering your question, I can say that I don't think so.
What we so often forget is that God has honored women by giving them value
in relation to God-not in relation to men. But as Western feminism erases
God from the scene, there is no standard left but men. As a result, the
Western feminist is forced to find her value in relation to a man. And in
so doing, she has accepted a faulty assumption. She has accepted that man
is the standard, and thus a woman can never be a full human being until she
becomes just like a man-the standard.
When a man cut his hair short, she wanted to cut her hair short. When a man
joined the army, she wanted to join the army, and so on. She wanted these
things for no other reason than because the "standard" had it.
What she didn't recognize was that God dignifies both men and women in
their distinctiveness, not their sameness. And on March 18, Muslim women
made the very same mistake.
For 1,400 years, there has been a consensus of scholars that men are to
lead Prayer. As a Muslim woman, why does this matter? The one who leads
Prayer is not spiritually superior in any way. Something is not better just
because a man does it. And leading Prayer is not better just because it is leading.
Had it been the role of women or had it been more divine, why wouldn't the
Prophet have asked Lady `A'ishah or Lady Khadijah, or Lady Fatimah-the
greatest women of all time-to lead? These women were promised heaven and
yet they never led Prayer.
But now, for the first time in 1,400 years, we look at a man leading Prayer
and we think, "That's not fair." We think so, although God has given no
special privilege to the one who leads. The imam is no higher in the eyes
of God than the one who prays behind. On the other hand, only a woman can
be a mother. And the Creator has given special privilege to a mother. The
Prophet taught us that heaven lies at the feet of mothers. But no matter
what a man does, he can never be a mother. So why is that not unfair?
When asked who is most deserving of our kind treatment? The Prophet replied
"your mother" three times before saying "your father" only once. Isn't that
sexist? No matter what a man does, he will never be able to have the status
of a mother.
And yet even when God honors us with something uniquely feminine, we are
too busy trying to find our worth in reference to men, to value it or even
notice it. We too have accepted men as the standard; so anything uniquely
feminine is, by definition, inferior. Being sensitive is an insult,
becoming a mother is a degradation. In the battle between stoic rationality
(considered masculine) and selfless compassion (considered feminine),
rationality reigns supreme.
As soon as we accept that everything a man has and does is better, all that
follows is just a knee jerk reaction: if men have it, we want it too. If
men pray in the front rows, we assume this is better, so we want to pray in
the front rows too. If men lead Prayer, we assume the imam is closer to God, so
we want to lead Prayer too. Somewhere along the line, we've accepted the
notion that having a position of worldly leadership is some indication of
one's position with God.
A Muslim woman does not need to degrade herself in this way. She has God as
a standard. She has God to give her value; she doesn't need a man here.
In fact, in our crusade to follow men, we, as women, never even stopped to
examine the possibility that what we have is better for us. In some cases,
we even gave up what was higher only to be like men.
Fifty years ago, we saw men leaving the home to work in factories. We were
mothers. And yet, we saw men doing it, so we wanted to do it too. Somehow,
we considered it women's liberation to abandon the raising of another human
being in order to work on a machine. We accepted that working in a factory
was superior to raising the foundation of society-just because a man did
it.
Then after working, we were expected to be superhuman-the perfect mother,
the perfect wife, the perfect homemaker, and have the perfect career. And
while there is nothing wrong, by definition, with a woman having a career,
we soon came to realize what we had sacrificed by blindly mimicking men. We
watched as our children became strangers, and soon recognized the privilege
we'd given up.
And so only now-given the choice-women in the West are choosing to stay
home to raise their children. According to the United States Department of
Agriculture, only 31 percent o f mothers with babies, and 18 percent of
mothers with two or more children, are working fulltime. And of those
working mothers, a survey conducted by Parenting Magazine in 2000, found
that 93 percent of them say they would rather be home with their kids, but
are compelled to work due to "financial obligations." These "obligations"
are imposed on women by the gender sameness of the modern West and removed
from women by the gender distinctiveness of Islam.
It took women in the West almost a century of experimentation to realize a
privilege given to Muslim women 1,400 years ago. Given my privilege as a
woman, I only degrade myself by trying to be something I'm not, and in all
honesty, don't want to be-a man. As women, we will never reach true
liberation until we stop trying to mimic men and value the beauty in our
own God given distinctiveness.
If given a choice between stoic justice and compassion, I choose
compassion.
And if given a choice between worldly leadership and heaven at my feet, I
choose heaven. Read More...
sameness." - A profound insight!
March 30, 2005
Female-Led Prayers: A Step Forward for Women?
On March 18, 2005 Amina Wadud led the first female-led Jumu`ah Prayer. On
that day, women took a huge step towards being more like men. But, did we
come closer to actualizing our God-given liberation?
This answer was kindly provided by Sister Yasmin Mogahed, a member of Ask
About Islam Editorial Staff. Yasmin is an Egyptian-American journalist
based in Wisconsin, USA. She is currently studying for a Master's degree in
Journalism.
Salam, Sarah.
Thank you for your inspiring question!
Well, answering your question, I can say that I don't think so.
What we so often forget is that God has honored women by giving them value
in relation to God-not in relation to men. But as Western feminism erases
God from the scene, there is no standard left but men. As a result, the
Western feminist is forced to find her value in relation to a man. And in
so doing, she has accepted a faulty assumption. She has accepted that man
is the standard, and thus a woman can never be a full human being until she
becomes just like a man-the standard.
When a man cut his hair short, she wanted to cut her hair short. When a man
joined the army, she wanted to join the army, and so on. She wanted these
things for no other reason than because the "standard" had it.
What she didn't recognize was that God dignifies both men and women in
their distinctiveness, not their sameness. And on March 18, Muslim women
made the very same mistake.
For 1,400 years, there has been a consensus of scholars that men are to
lead Prayer. As a Muslim woman, why does this matter? The one who leads
Prayer is not spiritually superior in any way. Something is not better just
because a man does it. And leading Prayer is not better just because it is leading.
Had it been the role of women or had it been more divine, why wouldn't the
Prophet have asked Lady `A'ishah or Lady Khadijah, or Lady Fatimah-the
greatest women of all time-to lead? These women were promised heaven and
yet they never led Prayer.
But now, for the first time in 1,400 years, we look at a man leading Prayer
and we think, "That's not fair." We think so, although God has given no
special privilege to the one who leads. The imam is no higher in the eyes
of God than the one who prays behind. On the other hand, only a woman can
be a mother. And the Creator has given special privilege to a mother. The
Prophet taught us that heaven lies at the feet of mothers. But no matter
what a man does, he can never be a mother. So why is that not unfair?
When asked who is most deserving of our kind treatment? The Prophet replied
"your mother" three times before saying "your father" only once. Isn't that
sexist? No matter what a man does, he will never be able to have the status
of a mother.
And yet even when God honors us with something uniquely feminine, we are
too busy trying to find our worth in reference to men, to value it or even
notice it. We too have accepted men as the standard; so anything uniquely
feminine is, by definition, inferior. Being sensitive is an insult,
becoming a mother is a degradation. In the battle between stoic rationality
(considered masculine) and selfless compassion (considered feminine),
rationality reigns supreme.
As soon as we accept that everything a man has and does is better, all that
follows is just a knee jerk reaction: if men have it, we want it too. If
men pray in the front rows, we assume this is better, so we want to pray in
the front rows too. If men lead Prayer, we assume the imam is closer to God, so
we want to lead Prayer too. Somewhere along the line, we've accepted the
notion that having a position of worldly leadership is some indication of
one's position with God.
A Muslim woman does not need to degrade herself in this way. She has God as
a standard. She has God to give her value; she doesn't need a man here.
In fact, in our crusade to follow men, we, as women, never even stopped to
examine the possibility that what we have is better for us. In some cases,
we even gave up what was higher only to be like men.
Fifty years ago, we saw men leaving the home to work in factories. We were
mothers. And yet, we saw men doing it, so we wanted to do it too. Somehow,
we considered it women's liberation to abandon the raising of another human
being in order to work on a machine. We accepted that working in a factory
was superior to raising the foundation of society-just because a man did
it.
Then after working, we were expected to be superhuman-the perfect mother,
the perfect wife, the perfect homemaker, and have the perfect career. And
while there is nothing wrong, by definition, with a woman having a career,
we soon came to realize what we had sacrificed by blindly mimicking men. We
watched as our children became strangers, and soon recognized the privilege
we'd given up.
And so only now-given the choice-women in the West are choosing to stay
home to raise their children. According to the United States Department of
Agriculture, only 31 percent o f mothers with babies, and 18 percent of
mothers with two or more children, are working fulltime. And of those
working mothers, a survey conducted by Parenting Magazine in 2000, found
that 93 percent of them say they would rather be home with their kids, but
are compelled to work due to "financial obligations." These "obligations"
are imposed on women by the gender sameness of the modern West and removed
from women by the gender distinctiveness of Islam.
It took women in the West almost a century of experimentation to realize a
privilege given to Muslim women 1,400 years ago. Given my privilege as a
woman, I only degrade myself by trying to be something I'm not, and in all
honesty, don't want to be-a man. As women, we will never reach true
liberation until we stop trying to mimic men and value the beauty in our
own God given distinctiveness.
If given a choice between stoic justice and compassion, I choose
compassion.
And if given a choice between worldly leadership and heaven at my feet, I
choose heaven. Read More...
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Disclosure Policy
This is my personal blog written and edited by me. Interviews and product reviews may be emailed to me at themuslimhomeschooler at gmail.com. I do require an actual product or equivalent (log-in code to website, trial membership, etc.) in order to write an honest review. If a product is being reviewed for monetary gain, it will be disclosed on this blog.
Read More...
About
I'm a 34 year old Muslim mom of four little ones, ages 6, 4, 2, and 1. I started homeschooling when my oldest was almost four. It's funny because I remember when my mom was 34 and I don't feel that I've reached the maturity level of my mom at this age. I'm still the same dreamy kid that I always was. I'm always looking for a way to be a better Muslim, wife, mom and homeschooler, in that order, InshaALLAH.
I'm a native Texan who grew up mostly in Europe (Army brat), Virginia. I've traveled all over, even as far as Malaysia, Taiwan and Australia. I was always somewhat different from the crowd, (my mom is somewhere nodding in agreement, lol), and I thank ALLAH for leading me to Islam and away from that which is of no benefit to me, AlhamduLILLAH.
I love to read when I get the chance, and on occasion - mostly when I'm feeling guilty and lazy, I get up and exercise. I'm a kettle-bell lifting, indoor cycling kind of girl.
I love the creative side of life and enjoy photography and knitting from time to time. I like to write but my skills are much neglected since starting a family and taking care of my little ones.
I moved to Canada after marrying my husband the programming geek in 2003, and I've been here ever since. In the beginning, it felt a little strange to be here but now I can't imagine living anywhere else - but you never know. Read More...
I'm a native Texan who grew up mostly in Europe (Army brat), Virginia. I've traveled all over, even as far as Malaysia, Taiwan and Australia. I was always somewhat different from the crowd, (my mom is somewhere nodding in agreement, lol), and I thank ALLAH for leading me to Islam and away from that which is of no benefit to me, AlhamduLILLAH.
I love to read when I get the chance, and on occasion - mostly when I'm feeling guilty and lazy, I get up and exercise. I'm a kettle-bell lifting, indoor cycling kind of girl.
I love the creative side of life and enjoy photography and knitting from time to time. I like to write but my skills are much neglected since starting a family and taking care of my little ones.
I moved to Canada after marrying my husband the programming geek in 2003, and I've been here ever since. In the beginning, it felt a little strange to be here but now I can't imagine living anywhere else - but you never know. Read More...
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